The Facebook Facade

My most recent post, Going at it Alone (click here to read), generated much interest.  Readers invited me into their private lives by sharing their own troubles - the very things which keep them awake at night.  What this has shown me is, firstly, I am not alone in my current situation, and secondly, we are so good at not only hiding our inner most misfortunes to the outside world, but have in fact become experts in creating a whole new world where life is carefree and fun beyond comprehension.  It is the latter which led me to reflect on this very fact, that most of the information that I receive via social media is almost always positive, uplifting and seemingly so much more utopian than I have ever had the privilege of.

Many years ago, I wised up to the fact that Facebook brings with it an unrealistic highlight reel whenever I scroll through my news feed.  The "Going At It Alone" post brought this to my attention once again when you (my readers) started getting in touch.  It is evident that those of us using social media can "sell" an image of who we want to be so easily.  I can create a happy family.  Add in a child.  Add in a dog or a cat.  I'm not saying that all posts on my news feed are pseudo or made up to sell an image which just isn't true, what I'm really trying to get at here is the fact that we are selling our ideal selves and not our actual selves.  Whilst likes and friends boost our self esteem, is it not a self esteem based on the actual self, but rather than the ideal self.  I'm not suggesting that people photoshop in backdrops etc to make out as if they are having fun, but that moment when your phone takes a photograph is not necessarily all moments - it may be just that moment - that great moment - one worth sharing and "selling" to the world, but it isn't our reality and so we go back to our world and wait for the likes to reel in.  I too suffer from this.  I write a post and my shadow side (as Carl Jung, the famous psychodynamisist, would call it) wants to know who is reading my post, where are they in the world, who has liked it, who has shared it.  We all fall prey to this and it is not always a negative thing.  The problem creeps in when we start to compare our actual selves to the ideal selves of others.  Depression sets in - "how is it that everyone else has such an exciting life and mine is so monotonous and bland?".  We reflect on our own lives and feel inadequate.  Why don't I have holidays like that?  Why am I stuck in this rut?  Why isn't my relationship that fun, full of life?  Why aren't my kids as bright, as quirky, etc, etc.  This is not the first time I'm writing a post with this sort of theme, but as previously mentioned, the fact that I had been sold so many happy images, only to learn that all is not what it seems, compelled me to share this with my audience.  

The idea of this post is to offer a sense of normality - whatever that word means (side note - it's always dangerous for people in my field to use the word "normality").  I recently found myself standing in front of some pretty vulnerable teenagers explaining how social encounters via the internet are accounting for the rise in teenage depression.  I continued my talk by mentioning that social networks are not always conducive to positive mental wellbeing - no one has a permanent highlight reel I found myself preaching.  Not one of the friends you host on social media have perfect lives which carry zero adversities.  It is so easy to get caught up in the lives of others by scrolling through our news feeds without taking a step back to recognise that the moment they are projecting is not all moments; that moment is not all moments, and whilst you may be experiencing adversity in that moment, others aren't ... and vice versa.  Just like you, I already know this, I too get caught up in all of it, sometimes feeling overwhelmed like my life is substandard in some way.  The alternative of course is to wear your heart on your sleeve and watch your friends on social media dwindle into the ether - I guess that's one way of reducing your friend count - people just don't want to read about the miseries which others have to endure when they are scrolling through their happy place which happens to be Facebook or Twitter.

As an additional note, a "PS" if you will, I have been a massive fan of Rob Bell for some time now (in my view he is the modern-day rockstar of Christianity).  For about a year now he has been recording and producing a podcast called ... wait for it... The Robcast (genius!).  If you too find yourself in the middle of adversity, no matter how great or how insignificant, I would like to encourage you to download and listen to Episode 17 (What To Do With The Waste - click here) and Episode 18 (It Comes In Waves - click here).  These two podcasts in particular have been comforting through some of my darkest hours.

Let me know your thoughts...and as always, thanks for reading. 

Today's Parenting Hot Topics; A Total Bore

I recently decided to dedicate some time to see what was "out there" when it came to "hot topics" on parenting.  Like all good modern day individuals, I put my encyclopaedia to one side and decided to go with Google just this once.  I soon began to realise that my search was going to be rather fruitless.  Whilst I have very little opinion when it comes to whether or not children over the age of three should still be riding in pushchairs or strollers, or whether or not it is right for them to be carried around in a Baby Bjorn (wearing your baby as some bloggers and writers put it), I could not help but ask the question - Honestly, who gives a s***?  Ok, so that sort of language would not get me recognised in the latest Parenting 101bestselling paperback, but I guess I really wanted to just stress the point.

My simple view is that we should be focussing more on topics which will strengthen the bond between our little ones and ourselves, or focussing more on providing a supportive home where they are made to feel loved, unique and special.  Environments which stimulate cognitive growth and aim to improve self-worth and an appreciation for oneself and those around you, is surely worth spending more time over than deciding on deposable nappies (diapers) or natural cotton ones (this is a debate for the environmentally concerned, not an essential "hot topic" for the wellbeing of your child)?  My concern here is not that these debates are worthless, but rather that there are more pressing things at hand when bringing up a child in this day and age.  Sure, have fun debating whether or not to hire a birth photographer, but the fact that we as parents sometimes get so caught up in the (bordering on) ridiculous, we lose sight of the fact that our children are growing up in a age where "sexting" (the sending of sexy texts) is becoming an expected norm of young girls in the Western World by their male peers, and acts seen in pornographic material desensitise the youth at an alarming rate.  I feel that spending our time investing in our children, allowing them the opportunity to develop a strong sense of self-worth and to value themselves as the unique individual which they are, is time far better spent than debating over gender specific toys (click here to see my blog post on gender specific toys) and the like.

The intention here is not to focus on the perceived doom and gloom which surrounds us (or doesn't), but more to draw our attention back to the basics of parenting; that is to love our children in a way which makes them feel loved.  Equipping one's child with a sense of self-worth may just end up being the very gift which they carry with them for the remainder of their lives.  Sure, debate these things, but do not forget to recognise that these minor issues will not alter or enhance your child's life in anyway; potentially they are merely time thieves, a way to pass the time without holding any real value and of little worth.  Some might say that I'm being overly critical or concerning myself with something which really isn't worth investing any time in, and you know what, they are probably right - just don't forget what is really important, and that is the little one in front of you, not the plastic or cotton wrapped around their waist. 

I guess the really big question is now is...should I pierce my daughters ears or not?

Science & Fatherhood. Any Connection?

Just how much do fathers matter?  

In the growing world of single-parenting, along with a Westernised trend of many women “going at it alone” (some through choice, others not), fatherhood has taken a bit of a knock over the past few decades.  Many will argue that fatherhood is becoming less and less important, often supported by fallacies such as the idea that any strong, independent woman can do the job of both mother and father.  But how true is this sentiment exactly and are we fathers far less important than we may like to think?

Consider this...

In his book, Do Father’s Matter?, Paul Raeburn provides interesting evidence as to why the latter could not be further from the truth.  In fact, these findings support the importance of fatherhood as early as conception.  So how important are we in the lives of our children?

At Conception:  scientists (more specifically research biologists at Harvard) have found that imprinted genes (those coming from either the mother or the father) actually compete for resources in the womb.

In pregnancy:  It’s been shown that infants whose fathers were absent during pregnancy were more inclined to be premature or carry a lower birth weight.  These babies were also more unfortunate in that they were 4 times more likely to die within the first year when a father figure was absent.  Complications in pregnancy were also more prevalent when male counterparts were absent.  This research however is merely correlational, and whilst it is interesting, it cannot infer a causal relationship between the presence of a biological father and complications.  The positive correlation between the two factors may well carry a relationship, but one would need to bear in mind a multitude of additional environmental factors such as the mother’s age, her living conditions, previous history with regards to pregnancy, genetic predispositions to such occurrences, etc.

@birth: now that the delivery room is no longer a mother-to-be and doctor affair, the presence of fathers has seen a decline in the request for pain relief.  As an added bonus, it has also improved attachment between fathers and their infants, leading to a higher level of involvement from the father’s side.

Postpartum:  how do we possibly measure the importance of a parental figure when it comes to infants?  As I have focussed on before, there is a high increase in the number of fathers reporting postpartum depression.  This may more than likely limit the father’s ability to emotionally engage and connect with their infant.  Research has shown that infants of fathers who have had major episodes of postpartum depression show an eight times more likelihood of behavioural problems as they grow up as well as a thirty-six times more likelihood to have a lack of pro-social efficiency (getting along with peers).

Toddlers:  Researchers from Oxford University observed that toddlers who had remote/absent fathers displayed higher rates of aggressive behaviour irrespective of the mother’s interaction with that toddler.  To increase the validity of these findings, research conducted in Sweden also found that where fathers were more involved with their children, these toddlers displayed fewer behavioural problems in early childhood and were less likely to become delinquents in adolescence.

Early Childhood:  When it comes to language acquisition, fathers tend to matter more than mothers.  The thinking behind this theory is as follows: as mothers tend to spend more time with their children (generally), they are more likely to use child-like / child-friendly phrases, words and sentences (words which are familiar to children) when in the company of their children, whilst fathers, who might be less aware of their children’s linguistic comfort zone, will tend to introduce a wider, more complex vocabulary.

The Teenager Years:  Why do girls with absent fathers tend to reach sexual maturation earlier than those whose fathers are still present?  Why do girls with absent fathers statistically display higher rates of teenage pregnancy?  Where young girls have grown up in homes where parents split, it has been found that younger female siblings tended to start menstruation, on average, 11 months earlier than the oldest female sibling who had had more exposure to the father being around before he left.  Evolutionary psychologists will explain this in terms of those who are younger siblings will innately determine the father’s leaving as men don’t stick around so I need to mature quick enough to secure a mate.  The source of this belief could be explained through pheromones; yip, the father’s scent.  In animal research it has been found that prolonged exposure to a father’s pheromones can slow down puberty – can we extrapolate that to humans...well, I guess you can make your mind up and decide on that one yourself.

Although there is plenty of research referred to here, one cannot assume that there is, necessarily, a cause and effect relationship...in other words, male presence equals healthier, more stable children.  Many single mothers have proved otherwise; I know of many single mothers who have provided in such a way that their children have developed and flourished in a single-parent home.  There is, however, little doubt, that we fathers do have a massive role to play...and a little scientific support to reiterate this very notion can’t be a bad thing.

Post-Natal Depression in Men Doesn't Exist...According to the Media Anyway

During the course of this week, I was contacted by a couple of broadcasting students asking me if I would feature in their project which focused on Post-Natal Depression (PND) in fathers; it is due to be broadcast later this week.  Naturally I obliged.

PND in men?  Not something one hears everyday, and certainly not something widely covered in the media.  The media are too busy focussing on how we should be, as opposed to how we and other things actually are.  The statistics say that 1 in 10 fathers will suffer from PND; I say that's wrong.  I have done no research on this, never run a survey, never involved myself in interviewing young fathers, I am purely willing to wager that the stats are not a true representation of what is actually happening.  For statistics to be accurate, we need a global population to partake, a feat which is neigh on impossible.  One can only gather statistics based on recorded cases.  Now the mere fact that men generally don't talk about their moods, feelings, etc. makes it pretty obvious that the stats are inaccurate.  Many men suffer in silence, trying to deal with the lack of coping in there own way.  As men, we have this seemingly innate predisposition which drives us to be the central protector or pillar within our family.  What good is a family with a weak central pillar?  The answer is in fact "pretty good".  You see, we are sold on this idea that when people have babies, all their problems vanish.  The idea that children will bring you and your partner closer together may in fact be a fallacy.  Advertisements which sell toothpaste, nappies, whatever it may be, show us images of parents who are smiling and laughing; generally loving life.  Don't get me wrong, this may be a reality for many families, but what we don't see is the father or mother who is exhausted, tired beyond belief.  The crying baby suffering from colic, wind, reflux...

What is happening here, is that the media is selling us some ideal, utopian world on how things should be.  We internalise this as being the norm and start questioning our own feelings and abilities as a parent.  The ideal self (portrayed in the media) and the actual self (what you are truly feeling) are in a state of disequilibrium, resulting in low self-esteem which may present itself in the form of depression.

Children are fun, they are an absolute delight in my eyes (you just need to read some of my blogs to know that), but why as a society do we put up this front that nothing is wrong?  We have this ludicrous idea that if we admit that we are having difficulty as a new parent, that we are not fit to fulfil the role or that we are bad-mouthing our child who is not even old enough to defend him- / herself from the perceived slander.

Depression is the common cold of psychology.  It is not out of the norm to experience it (121 000 000 people will suffer from it at any given time - recorded cases of course) so suffering in silence may actually be counter productive.  By simply googling PND in men, one can start to find the answers as well as support networks within a split second.

Only One Rule To Dating My Daughter - LOVE HER!

I always wanted a son, but when the desire to have a child became a reality I paused, only for a moment, and it was in that ponderous moment that I knew; I really would love a daughter.  When my wife and I had the scan, the one that tells you the sex of the baby, we found out that we were having a little girl.  "Sh*t, what on earth do I know about girls?".  I had grown up in a home with two brothers, a father, a male dog...my poor mother and the cat were the only ones who were from the "other species".  But I felt a sense of calm when I imagined having a little daddy's girl, and that dream has become a reality and I have been living the dream for just over three years now.

When the news started to spread that we here having a little girl, so did the comments about dating and boys and the future of my little girl's love life.  Isn't it weird how men think?  This poor little beauty hasn't even been born yet and already she is dating or not dating - seventeen (or whatever age is suitable to start dating - maybe 33) had come by so quickly and she hadn't even left the womb yet.  I was told that it is better to have a boy as that way you only have to worry about one penis and not hundreds of others.  As raw and crass as that is, it is not something that a father is easily able to dismiss.  Then my amazing 120 kilogram, 6'4" brother-in-law reassured me that there are three uncles the future suitor will need to impress as well as me, her father, before he can even think about dating my daughter.  This poor bloke, somewhere out there, probably not even born yet, is receiving telepathic threats.  It's funny how we men are; sex occupies our mind on more than one occasion per day, yet when it comes to our daughters, we don't want to hear another word on the matter!

So why am I addressing this now, my little one is just three-years-old.  Well, quite simply, a few articles have been doing the rounds on the Internet and one was really profound and thought-provoking.  But before I come to that, there is another "trendy" set of rules doing the rounds on dating our daughters.  It is entitled "10 Rules for Dating My Daughter" (very quirky I know!).  Here they are in case you have not been "lucky" enough to read it or you just didn't care when you saw the title on your Facebook feed:

1. Get A Job (A great 'The Offspring' song by the way)
2. Understand I Don't Like You (I don't even know the poor bloke)
3. I'm Everywhere (Well, unlike God, I am not omnipresent and this would just be a lie really)
4. You Hurt Her, I Hurt You (I'm sure I could muster up some emotional damage)
5. Be Home 30 Minutes Early (Well, I wouldn't want her missing the end of the film now would I?)
6. Get A Lawyer (This seems a tad unnecessary)
7. If You Lie To Me, I Will Find Out (that dusty polygraph set that we all keep in the back of the cupboard may come in handy)
8. She's My Princess, Not Your Conquest (Now that's a little bit more intelligent; way to go!)
9. I Don't Mind Going Back To Jail (It's hard to revisit somewhere you have never been before; think about it!)
10. Whatever You Do To Her, I Will Do To You (No Thanks!! I won't be French kissing any boys)

If you are really wowed by these wonderfully imaginative rules, there is a group you could join called D.A.D.D - Dad's Against Daughters Dating (yip, I am being serious, they seem to exist).  Anyways, back to the thought-provoking piece I read the other day.  It is bravely entitled 'Dear Daughter: I hope you have awesome sex' and it can be read here.  The author talks openly on how sex and love is a wonderful thing and comments (rather intelligently) on why he would not want to deny his daughter the privilege of experiencing the wonderful things in life.

This is a bitter pill to swallow as a father, but the author recognises that consensual sex is an agreement between two parties, not just one.   For me, an active Christian, there are so many ways that I can view this as a negative narrative, but at the heart of it all, this guy is absolutely right.  I am so deeply in love with my little girl, and I welcome anyone to try and love her more.  If there is someone out there why would I want to deny her a life of love and happiness.  Yes sure, these "10 Rules..." are just a light-hearted view I'm sure, poking fun at fathers and how protective they are (and rightly so) of their little girl(s), but we do carry this idea that no one will ever lay a hand on our daughters as long as we live.  

In reality, the challenge lies with my wife and I.  It is our responsibility to instill a sense of self-worth and values which will encompass my daughter's very being throughout her life, equipping her to make moral and sound decisions based on the teachings of her parents and school teachers.  Peer pressure is a reality, but a positive self-esteem is too.  Through love, and trying to uphold the few thousand kisses I shower her with every day for as long as possible, I will continue to ensure that she feels loved and appreciated, and therefore knows what it is like to be treated properly by a man.  

Wherever he may be, my daughter's future husband is more than welcome to love her as much as I do.

Husbands who are Fathers: A Forgotten Species?

Sometimes, if I am truly honest, it really gets me down when I feel that I am coming second to my daughter as far as my wife is concerned.  I can easily rationalise this with a host of reasons as to why this is how it should be and that it is only natural for her to be putting our child before her husband, yet I still feel a great deal of disappointment from time to time.  If one were to reflect on the notion in some detail, I guess it is more a feeling of insignificance than merely feeling a sense of disappointment.  Fighting for your wife's affection and attention is often a battle rarely won when you are up against those cute little things; but is it okay to undermine these feelings of insignificance just because one is able to rationalise the situation?  Don't get me wrong, mothers have busy lives, but a little more time focused on her man...surely that won't go amiss?  

Sometimes I see posts posted on facebook feeds where wives are wishing their "amazing husbands" happy birthday and happy anniversary, yet I've noticed something!  These wives are usually the ones who don't have children.  Is this an indication that before baby and children come along, women have more time to announce to the world what an awesome man they have in their life or is it just that women are more focused on their men before the children arrive?  It is easy to turn this on its head and say that perhaps I am reading too much into these posts, but it gets me almost every time; is this passion for one's husband substituted for children once they arrive, or is it merely a coincidence that I've read too much into?

Perhaps a feeling of insignificance can also lead to a feeling of disrespect.  For many men, their top priority is to be a pillar and a support to both their wife and children.  If left to feel overlooked or insignificant, can this be misinterpreted and lead to feelings that he as a provider is not respected?  I wonder if this feeling of insignificance leads to a feeling of being unloved, or whether that can stand independently?  I once read a very powerful sentence:  it is very difficult for a man to see his wife cherish the children, yet treat him in a casual manner.  Admittedly, I feel this sometimes.  My wife will constantly tell our little one how much she loves her and is extremely demonstrative towards her (and rightly so), but could you please pass some of that sweet sugar in my direction?

Love, to many men, is displayed through signs of physical affection, so when those actions are displayed so abundantly towards the children yet sparingly towards the husband/father, what other option does he have but to feel unloved or insignificant?  Yes we are old enough to rationalise it, but sometimes this lack of attention to detail on the part of the mother does cut rather deep.  

As time passes on, and less and less time is dedicated to the forgotten species, he may become more and more lonely.  As humans, one of our primary needs is companionship; the need to feel loved and appreciated.  Many men will argue that as his wife pours more and more of her time and energy into being a mother, she pours less and less of her time into being a wife, in fact, the pour becomes more of a trickle.  A major concern here is that the lonelier a person becomes (in this case the man), the more vulnerable (s)he is to outside temptations.  A feeling of being wanted is a primary need, if neglected in one place, surely it'll seek fulfilment in another?  This is not to suggest that men who feel insignificant and unloved will find another woman at the "drop of a hat", but as time chips away, so too does ones ability to rationalise and sustain the level of commitment one may have once enjoyed.  

I know I like to feel appreciated, and perhaps extrapolating that to the greater male population is a slight misjudgement on my part, but I'm going to assume that this is the case for most males out there. Being valued as a man is so vital and I guess some fathers feel far less appreciated by their wife if she shows appreciation towards her children, yet neglects to do so when it comes to her husband/partner.

So ... one question springs to mind; what value will this have to the various parties, and who, if anyone, is more inclined to identify with the latter?  Mothers?  Fathers?  Husbands?  Wives?  I don't really know where the answer lies.  If you can relate to this as a man, great, please know that you are not alone out there...and, if you are a wife reading this, then hopefully there is something in here which may help you to understand your man (and his needs) a little better.

Does "Kissing It Better" Really Work?

My daughter (3) and I stood at the bottom of a flight of stairs.  Like in most Hollywood blockbusters, we stood and allowed our eyes to slowly survey the mighty task ahead of us; almost as if in slow motion.  Then came the words "please can you carry me?"  The poor little thing, this was a mammoth task for those little legs...for me, it was nothing, nada, not for this specimen in peak physical condition (yeah right!!).  A choice lay before me - either you can carry your own frame up this flight of stairs, or you could do it with a precious little three year old in your arms.  My response: "Daddy will hold your hand, I know you can do this."  Let the trudge begin.  We slogged our way up each and every stair, hand-in-hand, until we reached the summit.  High-fives ensued, hugs, kisses and words of praise...what a moment between a father and his daughter...the pride was tangible.  We walked along a flat landing, I opened the door for her (as every gentleman should) and we stepped outside into the sunshine.  No more than four steps later, she trips over her own feet, landing on the tarmac, grazing her delicate little hands.  Yip, three flights of stairs were no problem, but a flat surface...well that's another story all together.

Being the chivalrous father that I am, I picked her up and asked the question that most would..."do you want me to kiss it better?"  Of course she obliged and I held her tight and kissed her grazed palms.  All better.  No more tears.  Daddy's magical kisses had healed the pain.  And then it struck me.  It hit me like a tonne of bricks.  How had I never thought of this before?  I am a placebo dad.  I teach the placebo effect year in and year out, in fact I even listen to the British trio Placebo and have a couple of their albums (not that this has anything to do with anything in this context!), but I had never noticed that we use it so often with our little ones...and with relative success.

The mind is a powerful thing, and if the expectations are that a kiss has healing properties, then it will.  Obviously not for more serious ailments, but it seems to work wonders for bumps and bruises.  Placebos are a genuinely effective way of coaxing the brain into thinking that the "pill" or "treatment" (in this instance kisses) has had the desired effect; the only problem is, this requires deception on the part of the clinician which is generally deemed as unethical in the world of Psychology.  Is it unethical towards our children?  Of course not...we practise deception every time a tooth falls out, each and every Christmas eve and at Easter time - step up the Tooth-Fairy, Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny.

I wouldn't be true to my blog if I didn't explore a few psychological findings from the world of placebo research.  So here are some interesting findings to conclude this piece...

• The larger the tablet, the better the effect.
• Two pills are better than one
• Capsules are more effective than pills, but saline injections trump both
• When it comes to pain (headaches, etc.) coloured pills are more effective than white ones
• Blue pills treat insomnia better than red pills (of course!)
• Green capsules are most effective when treating anxiety
• Expectations play a major role:  qualifications on the wall, white coats, genuine interest, tone of voice, etc. from doctors, all play a role in our expectations and can impact on the success of treatment whether placebo or not.

For all the new dads out there...

A few of my old school mates who I haven't seen for some years now (except virtually of course...thanks to the power of social media and all that!) have recently become fathers for the first time.  This is so very exciting and I often feel really blessed to have had this experience in the first place, so when I hear of others that I have known for literally twenty-five years or so having little ones too, it makes me feel genuinely excited.

Their new experiences are something that I had the pleasure of three years ago for the first time, and continue to experience as my daughter ventures into new and exciting stages.  Because of this, I'd like to dedicate today's blog to them and share some ideas on how to go about keeping afloat in the first few weeks.  So, here are some obvious, but often overlooked, home-truths:

1.  Compassion - both the little one and your wife will be in a fairly fragile state.  Although children are extremely resilient (just look at that poor little boy who survived being flushed down the toilet in this week's headlines), they need love and care; as does your wife, she too has been dragged through the mill.

2. Humour - this is key!  Running around the house fetching and carrying dirty nappies, getting the nipple cream, being wee'd on, not having sex for...well, a very long time, etc.  (the list is neigh on endless), all take their toll; try to have a sense of humour about it...laugh, it'll do your abs some good.

3. Trust yourself - for the most part, you'll be doing plenty of new things for the first time.  You know what, there is no perfect way to change a nappy, there is no master plan when it comes to bath time, and being paranoid about every heat rash is completely normal.  Use your imagination and trust yourself.

4. The here and now - you will feel like a spare-wheel; the odd one out for some time.  Your little one won't respond to you immediately, and they certainly will not lie next to you engaged in story-time just yet, but those days will come; enjoy the here and now (be patient)

5.  Be a servant - serve your wife and child and fulfil every possible need you can...it's tough to be the one running around and helping out all of the time, but that's what real dads do.  Have fun with your new role as someone who can be consistently relied upon.  Believe me, the rewards will come back to you in more ways than you could ever imagine (I love the fact that my daughter is now telling me how much she loves me and is always ready to offer a kiss when her daddy requests it).

 Enjoy guys!

This is dedicated to Tim VS & Grant T...and to all the other new dads out there!

Some modern men might like cheese with their whine

Sometimes it feels lonely out there.  Becoming a parent along with juggling a full-time job seems to really take its toll, often leaving us parents on the verge of exhaustion and no doubt, at times, flirting with burnout.  I often wonder whether I am doing too much as a father and as a husband; attending to the needs of my daughter and also assisting in the day-to-day running of our home. Cooking, cleaning, running the finances, doing the shopping, etc. all seem to slowly chip away at one's energy levels.  It wasn't until very recently that I decided to stop and reflect on what I was doing and how long I would be able to sustain this level of involvement.  The answer is, quite simply, “not long at all”.

How much is too much for the modern man?  In the generation of my parents, the fathers had little involvement in the upkeep of the home and little involvement beyond doing all the fun stuff with their children like playing in the park or watching school sport fixtures.  So why do I feel this guilty urge to always be doing something?  I have this really annoying inner conscience which won’t allow me to just sit and relax if I know that my wife is slaving away.  Working full days almost seems enough, yet I cannot convince myself that it is okay to put my feet up; not until our little one is tucked up in bed dreaming of fun times with daddy (or at least I hope that is what she dreams of).   My father was an awesome father, no doubt about it, but if I reflect on my level of involvement around the house versus his, I win hands down.  He was an excellent husband too, thirty-nine years of a committed marriage confirms that.  I have to ask myself if my level of involvement as a husband is too much as far as my health is concerned?

Christina Maslash, wife of Philip Zimbardo (famous social psychologist), coined the phrase “burnout”, and in doing so, discovered a new phenomenon beyond that of day-to-day stress. The demands of today’s world, plus the fact that there are so many young, married couples out there who live on a different continent to their parents, makes it even more difficult to cope it seems.  I don’t even want to think about how single-parents do it – believe me when I say that becoming a parent has brought along with it a new-found admiration for single parents; seriously impressive!  Am I having an unnecessary hard-done-by moment or is there some truth in my there-is-so-much-to-juggle whine (and yes, I would like some cheese with that whine)?   I am by no means ungrateful for the life that I have, in fact I am massively blessed, but through mere observation and reflecting on my own lifestyle, I cannot help but wonder if there are very many cases where fathers feel genuinely knackered from burning the candle at both ends?           

When men give birth

We often hear about the seventeen hour labour and how much it affects the woman involved, but little is said about us blokes.  The fact that we are not the ones carrying the child for nine months, pushing, searching for gas and air, screaming "you did this to me" aimed at some poor bloke standing alongside the birthing pool or bed just because he has a penis (which clearly she did not shy away from nine months ago) does not mean that we have an easy time of it.

My experience of this day, nearly three years ago now, was rather exhausting.  Watching my poor wife struggling in a bath, on a yoga ball, in the hospital parking lot after being told by the midwife to "go for a walk", all took its toll.  I am not trying to make this all about us men, but it may be worth exploring the insecurities and difficulties we go though alongside our partners, often struggling in silence.  I remember feeling extremely guilty when my daughter was born.  All of my fears and concerns were directed towards my wife's well-being and not so much my little girl's.  The fact that she had lost a lot of blood scared me and I inadvertently  blamed this poor, innocent, little child.  When processing this later on, I realised that it was down to the fact that I knew my wife yet did not know my daughter at all (yet).  I found those eighteen hours of labour exhausting.  It may often be overlooked, but us men do play an integral part in the whole process; reassuring, back-rubbing,  running up and down stairs to fetch and ultimately supply whatever craving needs satisfying, getting our hands broken inch by inch with every nearing contraction, the list is neigh on endless.  Watching my wife go through all that pain was enough to finish me off.

About fifteen minutes before my daughter was born, I remember feeling that feeling;  the one similar to when you are at a theme park looking up at this great big roller-coaster,  and man, it looks appealing (not simply that!  Read on...).  You wait two-and-a-half hours in a queue for a 16 second thrill (much like sex) and then the moment comes.  You get into your seat.  The giant breastplate of a security bar holds you firmly down.  You sway your legs back and forth to see if they are still communicating with your brain (the high level of nerves may just have cut out any form of internal communication).  A few staccato movements happen and then the gradual incline begins.  Higher.  Higher still.  "Oh look, there's China" (this amazing view from somewhere in mid-England) and then...it stops.  THAT'S the feeling.  It is at that moment when I say to myself "well, actually, in reality this wasn't a good idea.  Let's forget all about this.  Mr Roller-coaster, just take me back down so that I can reevaluate this whole situation... maybe I will come back tomorrow and try again.  Yip, let's do this tomorrow rather!"  THAT FEELING.  I took one look at my wife and thought hey, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.  Let's come back tomorrow and try again.  Mrs Vagina, close up shop and we'll attempt this again in the morning.  However, like the roller-coaster,  it was too late.  Fifteen minutes later my life changed forever; and what an awesome ride it is turning out to be!

My everything!

PS - I am dreading round two!

Bull elephants who rape, the breakdown of relationships & boys lost on an island

Channel 5 (UK Television) are currently hosting a series entitled Nature Shock.  Yesterday evening the documentary focussed on killer elephants, particularly bulls (male) who areraping and killing female elephants in India’s Periyar Wildlife Sanctuary.  These bulls were originally thought to be overly sexed whilst going through their period of musth (pronounced must) – we would commonly or colloquially refer to this as “being on heat”.  This leads to a natural rise in testosterone levels which usually correlates with aggressive behaviour(even in humans).  The key question here is, if most (if not all) male species undergo this period of intense sexual desire (I know the feeling!!) then why don’t most male species rape their female counterparts?  In fact, the only other known case was in a game reserve in South Africa, where these bulls were even raping female rhinoceroses because they too were big and grey like the female elephants (talk about mistaken identity).  The answer was completely unexpected; the lack of male role models!  Yip, an absence of fathers and father figures.  These sanctuaries experienced great loss due to poachers who killed off the older male elephants, leaving the young male calves without any guidance.  The usual, expected ratio of male to female elephants is 1:6; after the poachers had left Periyar it dropped to 1:120 - a major implication for the social organisation and hierarchy of the elephant population in India.

So how does this relate to us as humans, and can we extrapolate the findings of animal research to human behaviour?  Personally, I think the answer is a simple “yes”.  Without the appropriate role models, children will potentially grow up governed by instinctual, innate drives which are often drives governed by principles of immediate gratification irrespective of the social or moral consequences.  This is known in the world of psychology as the ID, a structure coined by Sigmund Freud when explaining his theory of the mind (I’ll explore more of this in my next blog).  This idea is beautifully portrayed in Golding’s Lord of the Flies.

I recognise that there are many shortfalls to this explanation, a key one being a lack of scientific evidence, but one merely has to look around at society to see the impact of shattered relationships and children growing up without the right kind of support, to see how this theory is so tangibly validated.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know how single parents cope and I have a new-found respect for them since having my daughter, but the restructuring of the nuclear family has to have some or other impact on the social organisation of human beings. Relationships are hard because they are not self-sustaining, but like anything, persisting for the sake of our young ones will often result in the desired outcome.  Many of us are unlucky in love or have to undergo relationships where the word “love” is completely warped into some self-gaining, selfish hold on another which is far from ideal for the little ones involved.  I have no experience of this and do not qualify to explore it beyond mere opinion, but I do recognise the importance of a father who is present and engaged with his little person.

To watch the episode, clink on the link:

http://www.channel5.com/shows/nature-shock-2/episodes/killer-elephants-2

Being a mosquito

Formal dinners!  Boring and stuffy; especially when you are forced to sit next to a complete stranger and literally agonise over making small-talk and nothing conversation about rain, sunshine or whatever else the weather is doing, for a minimum period of at least 3 hours.  In those 3 hours, there are only so many bathroom breaks you can legitimately take before you either have to admit to some bowel disease or that you just aren’t enjoying their company; hot tip: bowel problem excuses never seem to fail.  Then there are the speeches!  Always some ageing bloke who thinks that the jokes he downloaded from the Internet are both original and hilarious (“sorry my good sir, but they are neither”).

The reason I have reflected on the facts about formal dinners, is that it was at one such event that I learned the most important thing about fatherhood.  The speaker was addressing a room full of young (mostly well-to-do) men and their parents.  He congratulated them on becoming such fine role models for the youth of today, made a few genuinely funny and original jokes (completely against the norm I hear you say) and then went on to talk about their future.  He informed them that they will probably go on to do some rather significant things, that they will probably become the boss of somebody or numerous people.  He reminded them to always be courteous and kind, but then he went on to say the most profound thing:  “if you are lucky enough in life, you will become husbands and fathers.  These are the most important jobs in the world”.  We often snub at the they-grow-up-so-quickly clichés, but something I have learnt, is that time is one’s most precious commodity – we can retrieve stolen cars, burgled goods and even money, but time is something that we will never get back.  A father once told me that his biggest regret in life was putting his career in front of his children.  The thing was, he was dedicated to his career for the sake of his twin boys; they lived in an upmarket area of London, in a large house and attended one of the country’s finest academic institutions; yet that all came at a price – the time spent with his sons as they were growing up was minimal.

So if you think that as a father you are too small a figure in this world to make a difference or you don’t have much to offer, remember this – you are your children’s hero and if you doubt your ability to influence their lives, think of the mosquito that flies around in your room at night whilst you are desperately trying to get to sleep; he’s not too small to make a difference and neither are we!

...but I just want to sit on the couch and watch the game!

Around two weeks after my daughter was born, I vividly recall racing up the stairs past my father-in-law, whilst running some errand for my breastfeeding wife (left breast, right breast, left breast again...I remember the ritual well) when I called out to him “am I EVER going to be able to just sit down and watch a movie in peace again?”. The short answer is yes. This memory prompted me to write today’s blog, which is based on taking time out from being a parent...and no, not eternally, merely temporarily! As you will well and truly know, parenting is probably the most demanding job, commanding all of your attention over vast periods of time – no financial gain (unless they grow up to be professional sportsmen/women or rock stars) and no paid time-off.

The question I guess I am asking here is: Is it okay to call timeout; to have some rest and relaxation away from your child and/or wife? Again, the answer is, quite simply, yes (in my option anyway). It is important to ask yourself how effective you are being as a parent if you are on the verge of burnout...if not there already? My poor daughter has to endure an impatient father when I start to tire. Little things leave me frustrated, often resulting in an unwarranted snap aimed right in her direction. It is not fair on her and it is not fair on me. So what is the answer? Simply request some time off. I have recently rediscovered my love for (field) hockey which gives me some time off one evening a week and Saturday afternoons (with a beer thrown in at the end of the game). The thing about taking time off is that it should be something that is genuinely refreshing – a trip into a nearby major city would certainly not constitute as a stress-free outing to me; a sports event and some ice cold beer however, would. I find that taking the time when needed is a perfect way for me to be a better father; without being unrealistic and selfish with regards to my wife – this practise definitely needs to be reciprocated if you want to avoid a marriage laden with resentment. Discuss. Plan the time off. Follow-through. This also allows each of you a guilt-free way to spend some leisure time away from parenthood. So, put your feet up, recline on the sofa and take a long, slow sip of that well-deserved, ice cold beer!

From Pole Position to Spare Wheel in Nine Months

The day has finally arrived!  Seeing that pregnancy home kit telling you that you will be a father in the near future is extremely exciting, yet somehow unbelievably daunting.  Three's company, right?  You, the beautiful wife and a little one on the way - perhaps, but three can also be a crowd.  Many men face the difficulty that comes with moving from the centre of their partners world to the periphery in a very short space of time.  This isn't a deliberate ploy to distance themselves from you guys, but it is a reality that often goes unchecked and can hit one, unexpectedly, right between the eyes.  The birth of your child brings about new challenges and new realities - you are now the sole provider (until your spouse returns to work), you are the bellboy, the run-around-what-can-I-get-you-love guy.  This new existence can be an extremely challenging time for us men; and where's the stress relief; 'out of action' you may mumble to yourself.

We often hear about postnatal depression in mothers; the change in hormones & physiological changes, adjusting to the new life as a mother, but what about us - what about us men?  Yes, we may not be in touch with our paternal emotional selves, and we may not rush off to the nearest doctor to complain that our wives are tending to the newborn and have little time for us, but that does not exempt us from the emotional changes we may undergo - whether we are too manly to admit it or not!  In recent times, it is becoming more and more recognised that men too suffer from depression when becoming new fathers.  What, no more X-box, no more night's out with the lads, no more late morning lie-ins with the wife...easing romantically into the day (you know what I mean!)?

The pressures of fatherhood, increased responsibility, the added expense of having children (on top of those dreaded credit store-cards that continually buy new blouses, flowers for the table and that last minute gift on the way to your best mates 30th birthday), a noticeable change to your relationship with your partner as well as the lack of sleep are all concocted to lead you down a pathway of some pretty stressful times.  This depression in fathers often runs alongside the postnatal depression of one's own partner.  So where is the joy in fatherhood you may ask.  Get up, close your laptop, put down your tablet / phone, walk down the passage, and there, you are looking at it.  It's a tough job, but man it's worth it!