Today's Parenting Hot Topics; A Total Bore

I recently decided to dedicate some time to see what was "out there" when it came to "hot topics" on parenting.  Like all good modern day individuals, I put my encyclopaedia to one side and decided to go with Google just this once.  I soon began to realise that my search was going to be rather fruitless.  Whilst I have very little opinion when it comes to whether or not children over the age of three should still be riding in pushchairs or strollers, or whether or not it is right for them to be carried around in a Baby Bjorn (wearing your baby as some bloggers and writers put it), I could not help but ask the question - Honestly, who gives a s***?  Ok, so that sort of language would not get me recognised in the latest Parenting 101bestselling paperback, but I guess I really wanted to just stress the point.

My simple view is that we should be focussing more on topics which will strengthen the bond between our little ones and ourselves, or focussing more on providing a supportive home where they are made to feel loved, unique and special.  Environments which stimulate cognitive growth and aim to improve self-worth and an appreciation for oneself and those around you, is surely worth spending more time over than deciding on deposable nappies (diapers) or natural cotton ones (this is a debate for the environmentally concerned, not an essential "hot topic" for the wellbeing of your child)?  My concern here is not that these debates are worthless, but rather that there are more pressing things at hand when bringing up a child in this day and age.  Sure, have fun debating whether or not to hire a birth photographer, but the fact that we as parents sometimes get so caught up in the (bordering on) ridiculous, we lose sight of the fact that our children are growing up in a age where "sexting" (the sending of sexy texts) is becoming an expected norm of young girls in the Western World by their male peers, and acts seen in pornographic material desensitise the youth at an alarming rate.  I feel that spending our time investing in our children, allowing them the opportunity to develop a strong sense of self-worth and to value themselves as the unique individual which they are, is time far better spent than debating over gender specific toys (click here to see my blog post on gender specific toys) and the like.

The intention here is not to focus on the perceived doom and gloom which surrounds us (or doesn't), but more to draw our attention back to the basics of parenting; that is to love our children in a way which makes them feel loved.  Equipping one's child with a sense of self-worth may just end up being the very gift which they carry with them for the remainder of their lives.  Sure, debate these things, but do not forget to recognise that these minor issues will not alter or enhance your child's life in anyway; potentially they are merely time thieves, a way to pass the time without holding any real value and of little worth.  Some might say that I'm being overly critical or concerning myself with something which really isn't worth investing any time in, and you know what, they are probably right - just don't forget what is really important, and that is the little one in front of you, not the plastic or cotton wrapped around their waist. 

I guess the really big question is now is...should I pierce my daughters ears or not?

Science & Fatherhood. Any Connection?

Just how much do fathers matter?  

In the growing world of single-parenting, along with a Westernised trend of many women “going at it alone” (some through choice, others not), fatherhood has taken a bit of a knock over the past few decades.  Many will argue that fatherhood is becoming less and less important, often supported by fallacies such as the idea that any strong, independent woman can do the job of both mother and father.  But how true is this sentiment exactly and are we fathers far less important than we may like to think?

Consider this...

In his book, Do Father’s Matter?, Paul Raeburn provides interesting evidence as to why the latter could not be further from the truth.  In fact, these findings support the importance of fatherhood as early as conception.  So how important are we in the lives of our children?

At Conception:  scientists (more specifically research biologists at Harvard) have found that imprinted genes (those coming from either the mother or the father) actually compete for resources in the womb.

In pregnancy:  It’s been shown that infants whose fathers were absent during pregnancy were more inclined to be premature or carry a lower birth weight.  These babies were also more unfortunate in that they were 4 times more likely to die within the first year when a father figure was absent.  Complications in pregnancy were also more prevalent when male counterparts were absent.  This research however is merely correlational, and whilst it is interesting, it cannot infer a causal relationship between the presence of a biological father and complications.  The positive correlation between the two factors may well carry a relationship, but one would need to bear in mind a multitude of additional environmental factors such as the mother’s age, her living conditions, previous history with regards to pregnancy, genetic predispositions to such occurrences, etc.

@birth: now that the delivery room is no longer a mother-to-be and doctor affair, the presence of fathers has seen a decline in the request for pain relief.  As an added bonus, it has also improved attachment between fathers and their infants, leading to a higher level of involvement from the father’s side.

Postpartum:  how do we possibly measure the importance of a parental figure when it comes to infants?  As I have focussed on before, there is a high increase in the number of fathers reporting postpartum depression.  This may more than likely limit the father’s ability to emotionally engage and connect with their infant.  Research has shown that infants of fathers who have had major episodes of postpartum depression show an eight times more likelihood of behavioural problems as they grow up as well as a thirty-six times more likelihood to have a lack of pro-social efficiency (getting along with peers).

Toddlers:  Researchers from Oxford University observed that toddlers who had remote/absent fathers displayed higher rates of aggressive behaviour irrespective of the mother’s interaction with that toddler.  To increase the validity of these findings, research conducted in Sweden also found that where fathers were more involved with their children, these toddlers displayed fewer behavioural problems in early childhood and were less likely to become delinquents in adolescence.

Early Childhood:  When it comes to language acquisition, fathers tend to matter more than mothers.  The thinking behind this theory is as follows: as mothers tend to spend more time with their children (generally), they are more likely to use child-like / child-friendly phrases, words and sentences (words which are familiar to children) when in the company of their children, whilst fathers, who might be less aware of their children’s linguistic comfort zone, will tend to introduce a wider, more complex vocabulary.

The Teenager Years:  Why do girls with absent fathers tend to reach sexual maturation earlier than those whose fathers are still present?  Why do girls with absent fathers statistically display higher rates of teenage pregnancy?  Where young girls have grown up in homes where parents split, it has been found that younger female siblings tended to start menstruation, on average, 11 months earlier than the oldest female sibling who had had more exposure to the father being around before he left.  Evolutionary psychologists will explain this in terms of those who are younger siblings will innately determine the father’s leaving as men don’t stick around so I need to mature quick enough to secure a mate.  The source of this belief could be explained through pheromones; yip, the father’s scent.  In animal research it has been found that prolonged exposure to a father’s pheromones can slow down puberty – can we extrapolate that to humans...well, I guess you can make your mind up and decide on that one yourself.

Although there is plenty of research referred to here, one cannot assume that there is, necessarily, a cause and effect relationship...in other words, male presence equals healthier, more stable children.  Many single mothers have proved otherwise; I know of many single mothers who have provided in such a way that their children have developed and flourished in a single-parent home.  There is, however, little doubt, that we fathers do have a massive role to play...and a little scientific support to reiterate this very notion can’t be a bad thing.

Why My Daughter Will Grow Up In a Christian Home

My daughter will grow up in a Christian home.

Brain-washing, infringing on ones right to openly choose, alienation, division, or a hypocritical existence, call it what you like, but my little girl will be growing up in a Christian home.

Granted, at times the church has let us Christians and our reputation down and yes wars have been fought in the name of this god or that deity; I've heard the arguments before. Man is flesh, and therefore has fallen. I have no intention of teaching my daughter the art of war, the hatred possessed by extremists or the fallen few who have taken advantage of children in their care. Mine shall be one of Christlikeness.

Religious or not, the historical figure who was and is Jesus Christ is still praised to this day and, at the very least, if not praised,  acknowledged. My choice is to believe that He is the Son of God and the Risen King. These are views which I will share with my daughter in the hope that she too will learn to love and follow Christ. This is neither blind indoctrination nor is it answering the call of some extremist group in preparation for religion-based warfare. It is following a life of humility, empathy and the acknowledgement of others beyond oneself. In a society where there is a constant sense of entitlement, the thought of having to adopt a faith or belief in something which requires just that, faith, seems absurd. - "I'm entitled to go to a happier place when I die, and no one will say otherwise". In the words of Matthew Thiessen: The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. Authors, politicians and members of the general public are unsettled by the fact that the UK prime minister has announced his devotion to the Christian faith. "How dare he cause division and segregation by laying claim to one faith, isolating the importance of the rest" they seem to be crying out in unison. People want their cake and to eat it. The recognition of gay rights, for example, has advanced extraordinarily over the past few years; the legalisation of same-sex marriages being the latest. Whilst many "non-believers" praise the government for the freedom and equality it has now granted same-sex couples, they are quick to forget that although the practice of homosexuality is deemed a taboo in the bible, it is only a Christian state that would adopt this level of inclusion. It is the mere fact that Britain was founded on Christian principles which allows for the inclusion of other faiths and alternative lifestyles. Look at the world around you - would other religions allow the freedom of open practice of other faiths and the worship of other gods? Would other religions allow for practices outside of their holy book to be passed in the law? It is highly doubtful. This does not make Christianity and Christians weak, in fact it does the opposite, it recognises the importance of inclusion, an existence without judgment, an air of Christlikeness which is steeped in strength. Christ was never exclusive.  Sure, some will argue that redefining things such as marriage go against the Holy Book and therefore undermines Christian tradition, and they are right, but what message are we sending as Christians if we judge, rebuke and alienate those who do not share our belief system?  It was the understanding beyond common man which was Christ’s biggest threat to the authorities; seeing the bigger picture and incorporating love is the way I hope to rear my child.

It is these values which I will aim to instil in my daughter. It is a home which teaches what we believe to be the truth, and the practice thereof.  She will never be forced into a belief system nor will she be badgered to follow a faith which she doesn’t believe in, but rather, like all religions, encouraged to adopt a core set of morals which abide by the law of the land and encourage interest beyond oneself; this is both amicable and desirable.  There is no shame in that, nor should there be.  Religion brings with it boundaries and instils a cognitive mindset which encourages societies to be both equal and fair.  Having no belief system is a belief system in itself, and this idea that our modern liberal democracy was brought on by the European Enlightenment period only begs one to challenge it.  Look a little closer, this enlightenment is little more than Christianity without the talk of God. Why is it frowned upon for a Christian to be a little assertive in his/her beliefs? Why is it that the idea of atheism and the like are insulted or threatened by this?

I am no expert in this field, but I have no shame in announcing that my child (and God-willing children) will be brought up in a Christian home.  They will be taught to love irrespective of faith or religion, to appreciate views other than their own and to contribute to society in the most positive way.  So why should it matter to the secular world whether my child or any other child is brought up with a faith rooted in religion or whether a world leader announces who he chooses to follow?  What is prevalent in this modern-day, Western world are children who are reared without direction, without a core belief system and flexible morals – we are not talking about extremist beliefs here, merely following and implementing traditional religious views which whether Christian, Islam or Hindu, all encourage unity, empathy and an interest beyond one’s own self.  Selflessness is a rarity in this age, and Christ personifies that.  I will be only too proud to have a daughter who puts others before her; one who possesses awareness beyond her own wants and needs.  

Children Who Are Desperate To Please Their Parents, & Parents Who Will Never Be Pleased By Them

Pastor Jason Clark preached: "think about the mothers who obsess about their children so much that they cannot make good choices for them; parents who won't let their children grow up and leave home.  Children who are trying to please their parents, and parents who will never be pleased by them".  BANG! These words hit me so hard...each and every one was delivered, in what seemed to be, slow motion. They made plenty of sense in the sermon, but even more sense when relating them back to my day-to-day experience of working with young people and the difficulties they face. 

I need to make it clear, that I am not that parent; this is not because I have chosen not to be, but purely because I am a long way off having an adolescent child. It is not to say that these words won't be personified through me and my style of parenting in the future, but I sincerely hope that they will not be a foreshadow of things to come in my household. The reason these words had such a profound impact on me is due to the fact that I have sat opposite many adolescents (as a counsellor) who sob with their head in their hands, or shake from fear at the mere mention of what their parents might say in reaction to something which seems rather insignificant. Or how about those who use adjectives such as "hate" or "despise" to describe the very people who have secured their survival up and to that very point of being? The blindness or selective attention which us parents adopt when it comes to supporting our children can have detrimental effects; far beyond what we could ever imagine. I have never sat opposite a child and thought "man, this poor child; his/her parents are really awful". One cannot judge, yet I do often think how wrong some of us as parents get it from time to time. The smothering and over-powering nature of some households can literally drive the children to mental instability, often resulting in generalised anxiety disorders or affective disorders such as depression. This is in no way intentional; and if it were, I would hate to even entertain the thought. Yet, intentional or not, the reality is that many young people suffer at the hands of parents who are too involved; involved so much so, that obsession takes an invisible grip on them, robbing them of an objective view.

Whilst this is often argued as "love", it is sadly, far from it. Communication plays such a vital part in the success of relationships, yet why is it that communication seems to be the last option? "Okay now we will go and see a professional now that everything else has crumbled to the ground." What is the professional going to do? Wait for it...get you to talk and start communicating. Relationships are not self-sustaining, they require so much work, literally hours of talking openly, trying to discover others through open communication. If it is (seemingly) so simple, why is it that children have come to people like myself over the past several years with the desperate words: they just won't listen to me...?

I'm not claiming to know the answer, hey, I'm not even excluding myself from the possibility of being like that with my daughter one day. There are far more experienced parents out there who probably don't need to hear opinions like this from a novice, but I had to write; the words of Pastor Clark which pricked my ears to attention so urgently this past week could not be ignored. I desperately hope that we listen to our children in a way that allows us to maintain a level of authority over them, yet grants them the power to feel listened to, in a way that tells them: "hey, you, and what you have to say, matters to me".

   

If Life Begins At Forty, Why Does Schooling Begin At Three?

My three year old started school at the beginning of September and is absolutely loving it.  The school year here in the UK is rather foreign to my wife and I given that we always had an academic year which started in January and ended in December; the norm for any school-going child growing up in South Africa.  September to July still feels very strange to us; what's all this starting in the middle of the calender year stuff all about?  Whilst this is something which doesn't take that much getting used to, the prospect of a three-year-old attending school, does; albeit only nursery school.  There is something alien about expecting children as young as three to follow a timetabled, structured day.  To be fair, my daughter gets to play most of the day away and has made loads of friends (the sudden influx of birthday party invitations is testament to that), but I still wonder if the "homework" tasks she receives are that necessary.  Yes I want my child to be challenged cognitively, but is it worth me sitting down with her flashing shapes and colours in her face so that she can get better at these "necessities"? As a Christian, I don't believe in many of the aspects which the Theory of Evolution brings to the religious table, but what I can take from this theory, is the idea that, from an evolutionary psychological perspective, we as humans are not genetically wired to sit still and pay attention for long period of time at age three.  Am I questioning the school my daughter attends?  Absolutely not!  We are blessed beyond words to send her to such a fine academic institution.  Am I questioning the government's insistence on children starting school so young?  Absolutely. Do I think this will have some form of irreversible effect on them in later adult life?  Don't be silly...maybe it is just that I don't want my little one to grow up too soon.

"Childrens Bedtimes Can Affect Brain Power"

Routine, routine, routine.  I once committed the cardinal sin of mentioning the name "Gina Ford" during an NCT (National Childbirth Trust) antenatal class.  These two words could be punishable by death if uttered in the presence of some anti-Gina's.  Gina Ford is, according to one tag line, "the best-selling author of childcare books in the UK and a former maternity nurse who has cared for over 300 babies during her career".  Basically, she is all about routine and many frown upon her rigid techniques; but I'm not here to discuss Gina or her work, in fact, as always, I am interested in exploring the psychology behind bedtime routine.

My wife and I thought we had bedtime routine waxed; and I guess, in reality, we do...to a degree of course.  However, our daughter often has other ideas when it comes to bedtime.  Her latest is an inability to tuck herself in (once we have already done so), extra kisses, extra hugs, being thirsty, wanting Vaseline rubbed on here nose (?!?!), the list goes on... I guess we persist with running a routine so that she establishes boundaries and has some form of consistency at the end of each and every day.

You can imagine my delight when I came across an article entitled "children's bedtimes can affect brain power" published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.  (Epide-what!?!  Don't worry, I had to look it up too - the study of patterns, causes and effects of health and disease conditions in varying populations).  The article based its findings on research which involved more than 10 000 young people, revealing that their cognitive development (based on tasks which tested reading and mathematical ability, as well as spacial awareness) was affected by inconsistent bedtimes.  The study found that three-year-olds (my daughters age) who went to bed at irregular times tended to perform worse on the tasks compared to those who were in bed at the same time every night of the week.  These findings were also reported to be true for girls aged seven (not boys however), however, had inconclusive findings for both boys and girls at age five. 

Inconsistencies when it comes to bedtime may act on, and affect, cognitive development in one of two ways:  Firstly, by disrupting circadian rhythms (such as the daily 24 hour sleep/wake cycle - **what a cool name for a band don't you think?**), or through sleep deprivation and the effects it might have on the brain's neuroplasticity (the ability to form new neural pathways).

So I guess what the article and I are saying is that sleep patterns are learnt behaviours and not innate.  Like most of you, I guess I will continue to plug away at it in the hope that one day bedtime will be a little less onerous (to be fair, we have it pretty easy and are very grateful for this).  In ten years time I suppose I'll be looking at the complexities of a teenager who sleeps too much!  What a wonderful roller-coaster ride all this parenting is turning out to be...only this is one roller-coaster ride that I hope will never end.

Television - A Good Influence Or A Negative One When It Comes To Child Development?

Laughing pigs, a little Hispanic girl exploring the globe along with her red boot wearing monkey and a little knight who goes on adventures with his dragon; these all seem miles way from catchphrases such as Thundercats Hoooo or Bionic On.  Writing this piece has brought back so many fond memories of running around the school play-yard with my friends pretending we were Airwolf's pilot, Streethawk's rider or even MacGyver - breaking out of the school-grounds with nothing but a blunt spoon and a spaghetti noodle is quite a challenge I might add!  Television can create such fond memories. 

In modern day Western society, television seems to play a great part in our most of our lives, whether we realise it or not - why then is there so much debating over whether TV is good for our children or not?  How many hours a day should they be allowed to watch?  As far as the latter goes, I have very little to offer here, all I can comment on is the vast amount of research which has been carried out on this very topic.  The major issue with the research out there is that it is contradictory - early studies show that violence in children increased with the arrival of television.  The most prominent of these studies is the work done by research psychologist Williams in 1985.  He found that two years after the arrival of Television in a town in British Columbia (Canada), children were both verbally and physically more aggressive.  Interestingly, the exact opposite was found by Charlton and his team of researchers 13 years later.  His study was conducted on the island of St Helena and the findings were in direct contrast to Williams; there was no rise in aggression after the introduction of TV.  Mmmm, so the research is inconclusive.

Research aside, if I were to offer my own spin on this, I would highlight one important factor; when watching TV, children are passive receptors.  Television watching does not require them to listen (they can get away with merely hearing the sounds coming out of the box as they do not have to respond to it in any way), it is void of social interaction (unless you are able to wow your friends with 100 uses of a spaghetti noodle according to MacGyver the next day at school) and it requires very little cognitive thought or interaction.  

My main fear, and I see it time and again, is that TV has become the new parent.  It is an easy option to place a child in front of a screen to distract them for two or three hours.  Whilst this may be necessary from time to time, it has, in my opinion, become a little too excessive.  Do I as a parent limit my little ones time in front of the TV?  Yes!  Are we a household which views TV as having a negative impact on our daughter?  Absolutely not.  My girl has learnt so many words, phrases, imaginative things thanks to the likes of Peppa, Dora and Mike, but she has learnt even more from interacting with my wife and I.

I do not feel that it is my place to judge whether television is harming our children or not, but I do think that it is our responsibility as parents to limit the amount of time spent in front of the TV and more importantly, what our children are watching.  We were not born to be passive receptors.  I believe that we should not stunt our children's cognitive or social development by plonking them in front of the screen.

If I am going to be like Marshall Brave Starr who skillfully developed eyes of the hawk, ears of the wolf, strength of the bear and speed of the puma, I will need to get outside at some stage and get my body moving; merely sitting on the couch won't aid my development much.

Reading or Saying the Colours - Who Is Better, You or Your Little One?

As part of the "introduction into psychology" course that I teach every year, I always start off by asking the students if they have ever heard of The Stroop Effect or done the Stroop Test.  Without fail, year in and year out, students will initially insist that they have never done the test, and in fact, have never even heard of it.  Then I put this (image below) up on the white board...

Ah yes they all reply, suddenly familiar with what I have been talking about.  Whilst this is a fun exercise to do, it additionally holds some valuable and insightful information into our ability, as humans, to read and perceive what we are looking at.  Perception is not really the point of this post; I would prefer to focus on the cognitive and biological development of the brain instead.  For those of you who are like my students who swear they have never seen or heard of The Stroop Effect, please feel free to do the test now.  All you will need is a stopwatch and an ability to read.  In the first instance, READ the words from the picture above - i.e. yellow, blue, orange, black, etc.  Once you have read them (and timed yourself doing it), SAY the colour - i.e. green, red, blue, yellow, etc. out aloud starting the stopwatch once again.  You will now have two separate scores (recorded in seconds or minutes...and hopefully not hours).  In almost all cases, you will record a quicker time when reading the words as opposed to the timing score when saying the colours.  Now grab your little one and get them to do it.  The amazing thing is that young children are far better at this task than adults.  Your little one will be able to say the colours far quicker than you, and you will be able to read the words far quicker than them.  This is a very clear illustration of how our brains evolve as we learn, taking on new information from various stimuli.  We are so familiar with task of reading that it is such a quick and simple exercise to merely read the words in this instance.  Seeing a word and saying something else (the colour) is far more challenging for us.

Paying attention to stimuli can be divided into controlled or automatic processing.  Many cognitive processes, if used enough, become automatic; just like the reading task.  Therefore because reading is an automatic, well practised task (as I mentioned) it will interfere with the controlled processing requirement of identifying an ink colour when saying the words out aloud, thus increasing the time taken to do so.

On your mark, get set, go...

Can Lack of Affection Really Cause Death? Yes!

Like every other day, this morning's routine was in full swing by 05:36.  Five little fingers tickled my toes from the bottom of the bed (I must remember to keep them hidden under the duvet) urging me to 'rise and shine'.  I trudged down the passage and into the kitchen to get my little one's milk ready (bottle it, warm it) whilst my wife got her dressed.  Although the routine was like every other morning, for some reason, this morning, I took the time to stop for a brief moment just to stare at my little lady as she lay on the couch drinking her milk.  (I'm so in love!).  I said to her as she lay there: “I love you so much my girl.” She replied: “Daddy, don’t say that!”   Rather perplexed I asked her why not; her response, “because it’s boring.”  Boring?  Heck, if she is bored with me telling her how much I love her already, what are her teen years going to be like?

This little dialogue has been at the forefront of my mind all day.  It makes for a great story, but besides that, it made me reflect on the importance of showing my girl all the love and affection I possibly can and to let her know just how much she is loved every time I have the urge to do so.   But why is it so important that I do this?  Does it even matter if I do or don't?  The short answer is “yes it does matter”.  Without physical contact and affection, children will not develop neurologically as they should.  In fact, research has shown that children who are offered the basics, i.e. food and water, yet lack human touch and affection, will die.  Statistics show that more than a hundred years ago, 99% of babies in orphanages in the United States died before the age of seven months (this phenomenon occurred a few years later in Romanian orphanages too).  These orphanages were equipped with enough food and more than adequate sterilising and antibacterial procedures, yet the infants continued to literally waste away (a condition called Marasmus); neither disease nor malnutrition were the cause.  Sterile surroundings couldn't prevent these deaths nor could having enough food.  These infants died from a completely different kind of deprivation: a lack of touch.  When orphaned infants were removed from these large, clean (yet impersonal) institutions to environments where they received physical nurturing along with formula milk, the marasmus reversed. The result - they gained weight and finally began to thrive.

A lack of touch not only affects survival rates in infants, but it also plays an important role in the development of neurological pathways in the brain.  Research shows that those infants who lack affection fail to fully develop the frontal cortex of their brain, leaving a “black hole” in its stead.  This area of the brain is what makes it possible for humans to handle their emotions, connect with the sensitivity of others and to feel emotions such as pleasure. In conclusion, this level of neglect left children permanently brain damaged.

So these are all biological issues associated with a lack of affection – what of social implications?  We are all familiar with the term self-esteem, yet few of us may know its origin.  In Rogerian terms (famous psychologist Carl Rogers), self-esteem is our actual self (who we currently are) versus our ideal self (who we would like to be).  The closer these two are in reality, the higher one's own self-esteem.  Children who are loved, liked and shown unconditional affection get the message that it is okay to be me. This will in turn have a huge impact on them liking themselves, increasing the likelihood of a higher level of self-esteem as they grow into young adults and beyond.

An Apple a Day Keeps Neuroplasticity Away (iPad vs. iSad)

All of my Apple devices are now locked with a simple code: 0000.  How predictable!  Any person walking by can access my iPhone or iPad information in an instant.  Too true.  In reality, I'm not all that concerned about people looking at, or using these devices, what I'm trying to avoid by using this simple code, is my little one accidentally purchasing hundreds of £’s or $’s worth of music off of my iTunes account.  

Coming on three-years-old, she cannot read, so the fact that when the central button on the device is pushed and the screen silently screams at her to “slide to unlock”, she doesn't think about the choice “to slide or not to slide” (a modern day Shakespeare may ponder such a daily dilemma) she merely does it, almost instinctively.  This has come about through simple observation; observing my wife and I performing this action numerous times a day.  My daughter is merely modelling our behaviour almost in a way which makes her neigh on a passive receptor.  This is something that most kids her age are now able to perform with absolute ease and little thought.   Parents are often proud to express their delight at the fact that their two, three, four, whatever-it-may-be year old can navigate their way through the apps on a phone or a tablet.  This is, in a way (I guess), impressive, but it takes little more than mere observation to perform this task.

There is currently an advertisement on British Television advertising the amazing new ******* system (I'm not in the business of bad mouthing products but the blank space can be filled in by imagining a word which has a close relation to shutters; those that block out sunlight).  The advert shows a young child painting on a screen with a virtual paintbrush...and to add insult the tablet is even placed on an easel!  Classic!!  And even funnier, the easel is covered in real paint blotches.  As the child “paints”, the mother is ready and waiting to put these wonderful creations up on the kitchen wall. WHAT? Have we even stopped to think about what is going on here?  This advert is replacing core skills which children need to learn in order to cognitively and neurologically develop.

I spoke about neuroplasticity (the brain’s neural pathways physically changing and developing depending on the activities experienced by ones senses) in a previous blog which highlighted the importance of learning through discovery.  What we are doing here is almost making our senses defunct.  Setting up an easel, attaching the page or canvas to it, pouring the paint, smelling the paint, touching the paint, dipping the brush, mixing colours before your very eyes, etc. , etc.  (the list is almost endless) is all taken away by a single app.  Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly no fuddy-duddy when it comes to the advancement of technology, but we need to leave some space for experimental learning to take place if our children are going to neurologically develop in the way they were wired to.  To put it not-so-simply: Tactile memory systems are involved in the storage and retrieval of information about stimuli that impinge on the body surface and objects that people explore haptically (to satisfy the scientist in you; I cater for all needs).

It is great that children are embracing technology and learning a world which is so relevant to their future, but this should not substitute real life experiences.  Watching a YouTube clip which shows visuals of the ocean does not give one the joys of actually being there...no ocean spray, no salty taste and definitely no sea air breeze.   It is an obvious observation, but one often overlooked by today’s parents.

(..and yes, I wrote this whole blog without touching a piece of paper or a pen...and I didn't even need to pop down to the post office with a stamp attached to mail it to you - crazy times!)  

"Don't be sad Daddy, I'm your best friend"

Last week my wife and I had a fallout (as most healthy couples do – I think).  I went and lay on our bed to be alone for a while.  From down the passage I heard hurried footsteps and then the door opened (it’s strange, my daughter never walks from one room to the other, she always runs; so cute).  She climbed on the bed and asked me what was wrong.  I explained to her that I was sad because mommy and daddy had had an argument.  She climbed onto me and said: “Don’t be sad daddy; I'm your best friend, your best friend in the whole world.” I melted like a celebrity’s foundation during a photo shoot.  She has since gone on to tell my wife and I how much she loves us, along with giving us loads of kisses every now and again - and the "best friend" card often comes out when I get upset with her when she doesn't listen; all this before the age of three.  But what exactly has changed from two weeks ago when none of this was even in sight?

A simple way to explain this is through “theory of mind”. This is where children develop the capacity for understanding another person's mental state and/or emotions.  What my daughter is now able to do is reflect on the feelings of others and almost put herself in that person’s position.  This usually takes place between the ages of three and four for neurotypical children (those whose mental development is comparatively normal).   Interestingly, this is a key feature in the test for Autism; whilst Autistic individuals do not possess theory of mind, those with Down’s Syndrome do.  This ability to understand those around us is what makes us as human beings relatively predictable.

So what made my daughter ask me what was wrong?  What formed the basis of her belief that I was, in fact, upset?  What was it about lying on the bed, door closed, by myself which led her to believe that her father was feeling sad?  I never announced the fact that I was feeling miserable yet she was able to pick up on this with relative ease; even at the age of two ("women’s intuition, perhaps" I hear you mutter to yourself).  The answer to these questions probably lies in the evolutionary benefits which theory of mind bestows.

Psychologist Baron-Cohen and his team of researchers conducted a study to see how children with Autism differ from other children with regards to theory of mind. The Autistic children had an average age of 11, whilst the control group (those whom they were measured up against) had an average age of 4.  The researchers created the following scenario: 

Original artwork by Axel Scheffler

Two rag dolls, Sally and Anne, each sit in front of a container.  Sally puts a ball in her container (a basket) and then “leaves the room”.  Anne removes the ball from Sally’s basket and places it in her own.  Sally returns.  As the scenario plays out, the children watch and observe.  The children are then asked “where will Sally look for the ball?” People who have theory of mind will say that Sally will look in her basket, whereas those lacking theory of mind (very young children and those with Autism) will say that Sally will look in Anne’s basket.  The incorrect answer is given because these children cannot perceive that another person will think differently to them; they know that the ball is in Annie’s box as they have witnessed the fact that it was moved.  This shows rather clearly that young children are unable to "put themselves in the shoes of others".

My daughter has literally just hopped out of bed to "cheer me up" she says.  According to her "Love makes you better Daddy".  Theory of mind in action!

"Daddy, it's just too much!"

Since she was born, I've always said to my little girl that we need to have at least five thousand kisses a day. The poor little thing is smothered with kisses day in and day out.  It's her fault really, she is just so kissable!  More recently, she has taken to telling me that it is too much; "No more kisses daddy, it is just too much!".  Well, on the bright side, at least she knows how to say no already.

There is an underlying reason why I am so keen to show her just how much she is loved.  I am a firm believer in the notion that with affection and acceptance, comes a healthy self-esteem.  To be fair, not everyone is as affectionate as I may be describing here; my poor father was very reserved and would never shower us with kisses, but that wasn't to say that we were unsure about his affections for us as kids; and as adults for that matter.  It's not necessarily about being overly affectionate with our children, there are other ways that we can show just how much they mean to us.  For instance, listening to them when they talk to us is a powerful tool in helping them feel important and accepted.  Even something as simple as recognising achievements or accepting their faults and mistakes as part of the learning process will show them just how much they matter to us as parents.  Creating this level of confidence in your child will help create an open relationship which will encourage your little ones to feel worthwhile about themselves and, in turn, raise their level of self-esteem.   I always try to make a concerted effort to stop what I am doing and pay attention to what my little girl is telling me so that she feels listened to and that what she has to say matters to me as her father.

Self-esteem is a concept explored by Carl Rogers, a pioneer of Humanistic Psychology.  But what exactly is self-esteem?  According to the Rogerian theory, it is quite simply our ideal-self (who we want to be) versus our actual-self (who we currently are).  The closer the two, the higher one's self-esteem.  Quite simply, if you are happy with yourself, who you are and what you have achieved, your self-esteem will be healthier than if your actual-self and ideal-self are in a state of disequilibrium.  The ultimate goal then, it seems, is to create a sense of equilibrium between your actual- and ideal-self.

"Just wait my sweetheart, I can't listen now, I'm trying to write my blog" :)  

     

Daddy, I need a wee

“Daddy, I need a wee-wee”.  Shit!   So there I am, stuck in a supermarket with a trolley FULL of groceries and my daughter needs a wee; where’s mommy you may ask?  At home. So it’s me, my daughter, the trolley, aisle upon aisle of stuff, and one mission...get this child to a toilet and FAST. 

Yip, it seems to be that time when the transition from nappies to panties is the order of the day.  She is currently really good at informing us when she needs a wee, but poo’s, that’s a different story all together!

Anyway, back to the wee in the supermarket. I find a quiet corner at the back of the supermarket to “stash” the trolley, haul my little girl out of the trolley’s child-seat and start running across the store.  I pass till number thirty-six, then thirty-five, then thirty-four, then thirty-three, you get the picture...and then... I bump into a work colleague.  It was literally the quickest “hello” and “goodbye” I have ever pulled off.  Not only was I on a mission to get my daughter to a nearby toilet, but I had the added incentive of trying to avoid the store intercom system announcing “mess in aisle twenty-eight, can a member of the cleaning staff please assist”.

Out the supermarket door, up a flight of stairs, into the grubbiest public toilet this side of the equator, strict instructions about not touching anything, leggings off, panties down and now she is balancing over the toilet whilst I hold her firmly in a hovering position...and then...the phone rings.   It’s mommy! Please can you pick up another jar of artichokes? Sure thing babes is my hurried reply; and then, the sweet, gentle sound of my little one’s voice “Daddy, I don’t need a wee”. Classic! A fond parenting moment! Pull up the leggings and panties, move in a stealth-like manner past the grubby doors (no, don’t touch that, it’s not a mini basin, it’s a urinal), down the stairs, back into the supermarket, passed till number one, two, three...all the way back past thirty-six, down the aisle, to finally be reunited with our beloved trolley once again. Relief!

But the weeing is not the problem (unbelievable I know).   It is the pooing.  We just can’t get her to go to the toilet to do a number two.  She holds it in until we put a nappy or pull-up on and then almost immediately we’ll have to change her again. Trying to understand this behaviour has been a tricky one, but I keep coming back to the explanation which Freud offers in the second stage of his psychosexual stages of development...aptly named the anal stage.

Once weaned, Freud believed that a child’s focus shifts from the mouth (Stage 1 – The Oral Stage) to the anus. At this stage (aged between 1 and 3), children are either Anally Expulsive (where they take pleasure in defecating) or Anally Retentive. This is where the colloquial term “Anal” comes from when describing someone as overly orderly or obsessive. The easiest explanation as to why children might have trouble going to the toilet when it comes to pooing is simply this: for the first time in their lives, they come up against external restrictions; in other words, where and when defecation is acceptable. It is also during this time that they discover that their actions have social implications – i.e. pleasing parents or not.

In an earlier blog I spoke of these stages of development and how if a child gets fixated (stuck) in a particular stage, this may have repercussions later on in adulthood. According to Freud, early or harsh potty training can lead to fixation at this stage, leading to an adult personality dominated by the three anal personality characteristics: Stubbornness (retentive), Orderliness (retentive) and Generosity (expulsive).

...or maybe some kids just get "stage fright"!

Don't think of an orange...oh wait, you just did!

So, I’m sitting in the park last Monday, enjoying a nice, family day out. It’s a public/bank holiday, so the park is crammed with giggling children, delighting in cement-heavy playground paraphernalia. They are swinging, shouting, spinning, sliding (just about anything that begins with “s” it seems), whilst mommy's and daddy's delight in their children's enjoyment; all but one particular father (no, not me).

There I was, watching my little one run around whilst my wife acted as a counter-anchor on the see-saw, a giant Venus-flytrap at the bottom of the slide and a robotic to-and-fro machine behind her on the swings, when I overheard this father talking to his son. The two of them were hitting a shuttlecock to-and-fro and this poor little lad (aged around five) could barely return the shuttle each time his father hit it towards him.  Literally three attempted exchanges after getting started, the father says “I’m bored of this already”. To try and improve things for himself, the father thought it a good idea to stand either side of a miniature picket fence to emulate a net.  A few minutes later the father pipes up – “I thought you’d be better than this considering you were hitting a ball all day yesterday”; never mind the fact that he was smashing the shuttlecock back towards his son with ferocious gusto.  Whilst I thought this was pretty funny (admittedly I did chuckle to myself) it is not the way I would choose to do things.  I am not judging this father’s approach (after all, he was actively involved with his son) and this is not an attempt at a holier-than-thou posting, it is just that this little story made me reflect on the way that I might talk to my daughter and what implications it may have.

Language is so important in our attempt to develop our little ones; they literally seem to soak up each and every word we say.  My wife and I always tried to avoid using the word "no" whilst our little girl was learning to talk.  We would wrack our brains to come up with alternatives to the negative response, primarily because we did not want her growing up saying no to everything.

Here is a little example:  Don't think of an orange!  Oh wait, you just did.  Now put this in the context of instructing your little one - "Don't run across the road".  What is your child imagining?  Running across the road of course, and then only the fact that (s)he must not do it.  How about "hold my hand whilst we cross the road"?  Now what are they imagining?  Yip, holding your hand.  The way we phrase things creates a mental image based on cognitive experience and schemata (mental associations); our children receive verbal information which then impacts on how they see things around them.  This is purely based on images which they create in their mind's eye from the information they have received from spoken words which they might have payed attention to.

Now don't even think about going to sit on the couch to put your feet up and enjoy your favorite beverage :)  

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No Dr Freud, I will not show you my p**is!

Well, not too explicit; in fact not explicit at all!

Recently, a friend of mine was relaying a story about one of his kids after I had told him that my little one is all about "winkies" and "fannies" at the moment. The story goes something along the lines of...he was in a cubicle, in a communal changing room of a local, public swimming pool a few years ago.  He was busy getting his daughter ready to go swimming with him, when out of the blue, in earshot of everyone in the changing area (behind the closed, locked door) she pipes up “Daddy, can I touch your winkie?” Hold on! Really? Did I just write that? Did you just read that correctly? Call in social services! Oh wait, that happened to me just two weekends ago. My daughter and I were standing facing one another divided by a small picket fence. She quietly (luckily) whispered to me, “daddy, take your winkie out”. Now before you grab your mobile/cell phone to call the police or social services, it is worth noting that this type of behaviour is completely normal. My wife could not understand why our little one was so hung (excuse the intentional pun) up on the genital region.

You see, for little ones, these regions are not seen as sexual in the context in which you and I view sexuality. Sigmund Freud talks of a child’s libido and the development thereof through what he called psychosexual stages of development. The stage which I am (not so subtly) alluding to here is the third stage of Freud's five stage development theory known as the Phallic Stage. The two preceding stages are the Oral and Anal stage (say what?!?). This is the only stage which is experienced differently between boys and girls, the other four are all experienced in exactly the same way, irrespective of being male or female. What my daughter is currently going through (according to Freud) is an Electra Complex (you may be more familiar with the male version of this known as the Oedipus Complex). Freud explains that every young girl (roughly aged between 3 and 5) wishes to side and seek favour with her father, so she rejects her mother, blaming her for a lack of a penis (this is known as Penis Envy) and so aims to win over the affections of her father. Soon enough, the young girl realises that she will never possess what her father possesses (a penis) and so reunites with her mother, introjecting her mother’s attitudes and values.

Or maybe, just maybe, young girls take on the roles and actions of their mothers due to a sense of familiarity and shared interests Professor Freud!

Freud goes on to explain how a fixation (being trapped) in a certain stage of development will be expressed symbolically in adult behaviour. Children who have experienced frustration or over-gratification in this stage usually express this in adulthood by being overly manly or overly feminine; in South Africa these women are colloquially known as coogles. This might also offer an explanation for cases where adult males might be "mother-fixated" or female adults might be "father-fixated" as revealed when their sexual partner (husband/wife) resembles their own father or mother.

So, there you have it! Now, please love, no more winkie and fanny talk; Please?

Daycare vs. Dayscare

I vividly remember the day when my wife and I started looking for a minder to look after our daughter once her maternity leave had come to an end. I felt nauseous; literally sick to my stomach at the thought of having to leave my daughter in the care of a complete stranger. It terrified me. I remember feeling the guilt that came with it; why couldn't I just earn enough for my wife to stay at home if she so desired?!?

We scouted and combed, high and low, in pursuit of the finest childminder in the land. After some time searching, we eventually found her; I feel very lucky to say that our daughter has been extremely happy in her care for the past two-and-a-half years now. But, as life would have it, like all good things, it must now come to an end.  From September, our little one will be starting her first term of nursery school; just as we were getting into a nice, comfortable routine!  Numerous friends have asked me which form of daycare is better, day nurseries or childminders? It is a difficult one to answer as both have their pros and cons. Without going into any great detail, childminding offers your child the luxury of forming an intimate, close bond with their carer, whereas day nurseries will offer them a more social environment given the fact that there are more children around.

Much research has been conducted in the way of how day care affects the social interaction of children, as well as changes in aggression levels.  This however is too vast a topic for me to explore at present. What I will leave you with though are some guidelines which research has highlighted to ensure that your child has the most cognitively stimulating, social and interactive environment possible. These traits within a nursery setting are known as high quality care guidelines. So, when you set out in search of daycare, look out for the following:

(1)  Physical Setting (look out for a clean, well-lit, well-ventilated, uncrowded environment and a fenced outdoor play space)

(2)  Child-to-Carer Ratio (Ratios should be around 3:1 for infants & 6:1 for toddlers and a high level of consistency with regards to staffing is paramount so that relationships can be formed)

(3)  Daily Activities (scheduled active play, quiet play, naps, meals and a degree of flexibility to suit your child’s needs)

(4)  Adult-Child Interaction (carers should show a prompt response to your child when they are distressed; carers should talk to and read to children)

(5)  Carer Qualifications (there should be sufficient training in child development as well as 1^st aid and safety training)

(6) Relationships with Parents (you as a parent should be welcomed at any time; also, your child’s behaviour and development should be discussed with you as an ongoing form of keeping you in the know)

(7)  Toys & Equipment (age appropriate toys both indoor and outdoor)

Government agencies such as Ofsted in the UK are also extremely useful when trying to establish the quality of any specific childcare institution. OFSTED Link