The Impact of Parenting Styles

In an earlier blog, I discussed the varying parenting styles.  Although most of us will adopt some aspects of how we were brought up (unless it was extreme and you are doing everything you can not to repeat the mistakes of your parents), there is still something of value that we can learn from research and what the world of psychology may offer.  Many are reluctant to categorise themselves according to what is written in texts, but in reality, I guess we are all leaning toward one or another when it comes to the differing styles of parenting.  The various styles will obviously carry with them altering effects on one’s child.  Having said that though, research can often be bias to favour one's hypothesis, in this case, that authoritative parenting (one which carries a high level of warmth as well as a high level of control) seems to be the best formula for producing the "ideal" child.   Not only skewed results (potentially), but also the fact that research often overlooks individual differences, placing the findings in doubt and therefore questioning the validity and reliability of those findings.  Some children, no matter the teachings of their parents, may turn out completely dysfunctional under authoritative guidance, whilst another child may thrive in adulthood having experienced permissive or authoritarian parents.  Having acknowledged the pitfalls of research, it may still interest you to see what researchers have found using the three theoretical approaches to parenthood.  So here they are...

Authoritarian parents (those who have a high level of control and a low level of affection and warmth) tend to produce children who are:

• Withdrawn and fearful in childhood
• Show little or no independence as children
• Moody, unassertive and irritable
• In adolescence, boys tend to overreact to the restrictive environment, often rebelling and becoming more aggressive, whilst girls remain passive and dependent

Permissive parenting, although opposite in style to authoritarian, does not (necessarily) produce the opposite behaviour. Permissive parents have a low level of control and a high level of warmth. This approach tends to produce children who are:

• Rebellious and, at times, aggressive
• Self-indulgent
• Impulsive
• Socially inept

The opposite seems to be the case for children who have grown up in a home where authoritative (high control, high warmth) parenting is practised.  According to the relevant research, children of authoritative parents seem to be the best adjusted. These children tend to be:

• Self-reliant, self-controlled, socially competent and tend to go on to have a higher self-esteem over those who have experienced other parenting styles.

Having a daughter who has just turned three, I am still in my infancy when it comes to parenting, and I guess time will tell, but I do strive to be as authoritative as much as possible.  Whilst research does carry some worth, it is also worth bearing in mind that much research has its limitations (as mentioned above), especially considering that psychologists are analysing human beings who have a will of their own and the ability to make meta-cognitive decisions.

Do the descriptions based on research tell us anything?  Perhaps not.  One thing that is for certain though is the importance of a present father.

Styles of Parenting

I'm at a bit of a loss when I try to think about what has inspired me to write today’s blog on parenting styles.  Perhaps it’s because I got woken up at 04:37 this morning by little girl and allowed her to stay up from that time instead of maybe forcing her back into bed.  A little bit of regression may be in order, changing the once-cot, now a bed, back into its original cot form to ensure that she doesn't come through to our room at some pretty hard-to-function hours.  Maybe I'm being too lenient, too understanding, but I guess I just think that she is none-the-wiser about time and her circadian rhythms dictate her sleep-wake cycle and not the fact that she wants to watch mommy and daddy walk around the house in an early morning daze.  This morning I was in a deep sleep, dreaming, when I got a hunch that I was being watched.  I opened my eyes and saw her blue eyes staring at me; I actually jumped I got such a fright.  So, what parenting style should I be using? Laissez faire? Cruel to be kind? Dictator style...it’s my way or the highway?

Psychology textbooks list a range of between three to five styles of parenting.  The ultimate goal really is to balance the parenting dimensions of warmth and control. Parental warmth refers to the amount of affection and approval the parents display towards their child, whilst parental control is how restrictive the parents are.  These two factors are vital as they are believed to ultimately affect a child’s aggression and pro-social behaviour, their self-esteem, the internalisation of morals and values and their development of social competence.

Developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind identified three distinct styles of parenting:

Authoritative
Authoritarian
Permissive

An authoritative parent will combine a high level of control, but willingly displays warmth, acceptance and encouragement towards their child as they discover their own independence (level of autonomy).  Parents such as this will place boundaries for their children, but will also take the time to explain why these boundaries are in place and the relevance of placing limitations on behaviour.  It’s basically being objective and flexible.  I guess this type of parenting (a style I am very much in favour of and try to strive towards) allows the child to feel confident in being able to communicate with their parents and parents allowing their children to have a voice. Almost completely opposite of the latter is the authoritarian style of parenting. This style adopts a more controlling and rigid approach with regards to enforcing rules and boundaries.  It can be somewhat absent of warmth towards the child. Commands are issued and are therefore expected to be adhered to; it can, unfortunately, leave the child out of the family’s decision-making process.  Permissive parenting is the opposite of authoritarian; little to no boundaries are placed on the child’s behaviour.  Parents are so preoccupied with showing “unconditional love” that they overlook, and fail to set, boundaries.  There is a high degree of warmth and acceptance of the child, but limitations are not in place to guide the child.

Parenting is a balancing act; I am quickly discovering this fact. What is too much and how much is too little?  Returning to the styles and combining them with warmth and control, we can see that authoritative parenting offers a high level of control combined with a high level of warmth, where authoritarian displays high control and low warmth with permissive being the opposite of that.

And so my quest to be an authoritative parent continues...

Save the friendship for later - children need boundaries

In the early 2000’s, I taught in an inner-city school in the Midlands of England.  This town is known to have one of the largest teenage pregnancy rates, not only in the UK, but in Europe too.  Being a naive twenty-three year old at the time, I was intrigued to find out exactly what was fuelling this trend among teenage girls (*warning* awkward joke ahead – I was not the common denominator).  Their response was totally unexpected.  According to many of them, it made complete sense to have a child in one's mid-teens as it meant that when one reaches one's early thirties, the child will be old enough to go out partying and drinking with their mother/father. Huh?!? 

This is where contemporary society is getting it all wrong.  Your child is not your friend; that is the bottom line.

Do I love my daughter? Unquestionably; in fact, since her birth, I have been learning pretty quickly what the Bible means when it talks of unconditional love.  Do we laugh together, share stories, play? Yes, yes and yes!  Does that make us friends?  Not entirely.  Our love for one another certainly carries elements of friendship, and yes, to a degree we are friends, but friendship generally doesn't carry with it a relationship governed by some or other hierarchy.   Friendships are usually egalitarian; neither party exercises authority over the other – this is the key difference between friendship and parenting.   

If I were to neglect the functional needs of my child by not setting age-appropriate boundaries, I would be neglecting my role as a parent.  We tend to focus on the emotional role of parenting, which offers trust, support, care, etc for our children, but we should not overlook our functional role.  When our children are infants we need to change their nappies, bath them, etc.  These are functional roles. As they get older, we should adapt these roles - for instance helping with homework, or setting boundaries, curfews, etc.  Children who are wandering the malls and streets aimlessly, drinking, smoking, etc. all lack boundaries.  There are so many critics out there who are so worried about “damaging a child’s self-esteem” that they completely overlook the fact that these actions of neglect are damaging their child’s whole life in a sense.  The sad thing is, these behaviours filter down from one generation to the next.  It becomes self-perpetuating.

Not setting boundaries is neglect.  Don’t worry about their reputation being damaged because they have to be home from a party at 22:00, rather focus on the fact that you are instilling a set of rules/boundaries that are being imprinted into their conscience which will ultimately make them a better person.  A lack of boundaries does not fade as perhaps school reputations might.  We as parents are quickly becoming moths drawn to the lame (this is not a typo).  We make emotional decisions which over-protect our children, not allowing them to experience things which will, sooner or later, become reality.  Having them avoid things like mud, sand and soil for fear of the odd worm is ultimately denying them the opportunity to be in touch with the earth and experience things first hand – tactile cognitive development; an iPad won’t provide the same level of neuroplasticity (neuron grown in the brain).  A proud mother once told me that her young child can do puzzles on the iPad; unfortunately hovering a puzzle piece over another is not the same as physically trying to link them up with one’s own hands.

Now I’m off to have a beer; but I’ll be home by ten o’clock honey!

I would be interested to hear your thoughts. Please feel free to comment in the comment box below.